My sister Jessica and I were chatting this morning, discussing our childhood and our recent visit to see our father.  She used the term "gaslighting" to describe what our father does to me (us). I wasn't sure what that term meant, I've heard it before but I've never used it in a sentence or really thought much of it until she said it to me again.  I looked it up, and low and behold that is my father to a tee.  I don't know if he even knows he's doing it though, which would make him far less "evil" right?  But what if he does know?  It's a scary thought.   I won't get into the nitty-gritty of my past, but this is some food for thought for sure.

I don't like posting about my past to much, as I don't want to hurt someone's feelings if they happen to come across it.  But watching my BABY sister be more open and honest, gives me a little courage.


Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes including low self-esteem. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's beliefs. Instances can range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents occurred, to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

O has feelings.....

I hate it when one of my kids are hurting, or are feeling confused and there is literally nothing I can do about it.

Yesterday evening, Miss O gets off the phone with her Bio-mom and I can see she's been crying.  I ask her what is the matter and she said that she had talked to her mom about how come she takes her baby brother to daycare and drives him and picks him up but she doesn't do it for her.

What can you even say to a child about that?  I said, well what did she say.  O said that she just said that she couldn't because it would cost her to much money.  In her mind, I could tell she doesn't understand how come she'd spend the money for one child and not the other.

I had to take a moment to think of my next words, as I don't like to express my feelings if I am upset with another adult, especially an adult that my child loves so much.  I simply told her that her mom makes choices that are best for how her life is, just like me and dad do......but just because she doesn't get you every other week & take you to daycare, or take you to school and pick you up doesn't mean she doesn't love you.  It doesn't mean she doesn't love you as much as the little brother. It just means she can't, at this time.  And how lucky she is that dad and I can.  She smiled, but you could see her heart was still heavy.

I gave her extra lovings and we watched a chick-flick.

Beach Day

We don't really get out much these days, and you know why (COVID19) is keeping all of us home more.....but as Florida opens back up, so does my sense of adventure.  I decided on Monday to take the day off and drag my three littles still left in the nest and meet up with my sister Jessica at Crescent Beach for the day. I am sure glad we did, because we had the best time.  I am so lucky to have some amazing ladies in my life, particularly my family!

Just when I am feeling alone, there is my sister(s), showing me I am never alone.

I am so blessed.


When do you think enough is enough?  Is it years, months, weeks, days.....when do you think it's okay to say "stop, or I am done" even when it's a family member who you love dearly!?

For the past several years now, I have been dealing with a family member who seemingly goes out of their way to make me feel like shit.  And in saying that, they would respond that perhaps I feel that way because of something I've done....not taking responsibility while preaching that people who are wrong always blame the other person while they are blaming the other person!  Ironic isn't it?

I can see my flaws, I can see my current and past mistakes and I have come to terms with them and I have apologized for them-full stop, with no excuses.  But nothing changes.

When is enough, enough?  At some point, doesn't it just become abuse?

Having someone in your life like this; makes you not want to reach out to them, makes you not want to spend time with them or even talk to them on the phone.  This causes more issues with that person, then you're an asshole because you don't communicate as much as they think you should.  But again, in doing it this way I am saving myself the anxiety of the relationship and the conversations which are always about them, how they feel, what was done wrong to them, and how great they are all the time.

It's exhausting.  So when is enough, enough?  Can you in good conscious write someone off who is a family member?  I am not sure what the answer is, as I have never done it before.  When I have tried to pull away other family members berated me for it.  Trying to and being successful at making me feel like I am doing a shitty thing.  Even though they know the struggle I go through with this individual.

There is no point in confrontation, all that does it fuel the fire.  There is no point in telling them my opinions or what I am up to because they never take it in a positive way, it always turns into something negative.  If I say, I am going to the grocery store today - I would hear "I wish I had some food to eat.....must be nice!".  I am being dramatic with that one, but I didn't want to use a real example.

It's exhausting.  So when is enough, enough?  I wake up every day thinking about this person, hoping they are okay-as I know they are dealing with some medical issues right now which is another reason why I don't just explode - they would just use their condition to gain sympathy from me & everyone else they told about our "discussion" so no matter what, I am always the bad guy in their eyes.  And in me speaking; proves that to them.  But being quiet proves to them I don't care (to them).  It's an impossible situation.

It's an exhausting, impossible situation that I can't get away from.

FL to NC to FL again

Our beautiful, strong, amazingly smart and kind oldest son returned safely from Kuwait.  He was in staging/quarantine for fourteen days before we were able to see him.  We took off a few days, loaded up his truck and ours, and set our map to Fayetteville NC (Fort Bragg).

I feel so blessed and happy to have him back stateside.....and so does Olivia as you can see.


Copyright © home with Lela