Settling in.....

Sometimes it is hard to see yourself through your own eyes.  I often look in the mirror and wonder, who the hell is this woman looking back at me?  I look at her and think, how the hell did you survive all the things that should have drove you completely mad?

I think, I'm 46 now-not a girl anymore, but a woman-a middle aged woman.  I wonder what I am to old for now, I wonder what I am to young for now.

I struggle with feeling confident, and attractive due to my own insecurities and those placed upon me from my father or ex-lovers, and even current.  Am I allowed to love myself, as I am right now?  Or am I supposed to be ashamed of growing older, getting those fine lines and strands of silver.

I am a grandmother.  I am a proud grandmother, and that title doesn't make me feel older.  It makes me feel accomplished.  With Oscar's birth came survival, that of my family and my DNA.  We live on, through that sweet boy!

I've never thought I was beautiful, I never thought I was smart or really ever good enough for anyone or anything.  Having kids did give me a purpose in life, though I'm not the best at it.  I go to bed praying to not make the same mistakes every night and wake up hopeful and pray I am better at it.

I realize none of us are perfect, and I never really strive to be perfect-I just strive to not be totally and utterly shitty.  I realize we all deserve love, to give it and receive it.  And every day I learn a little something new about love, forgiveness, human nature and just how to be kinder in this really busy, really mean world.

As a girl I was bullied in school when I was young.  Girls making fun of me because my clothes were not up to their standards.  I was shy, and didn't fight back against it.  As I approached middle/high school I grew taller, taller then a lot of the boys.  So boys then would tease me because I wasn't small and voluptuous as most of the other girls.  My breasts didn't get larger until I had children.  I was shy, and still didn't fight back.  I allowed people to call me stork or tease me because I didn't have large breasts.

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror I still see that weird, awkward shy girl.  I don't feel sorry for her, or myself (yes I know I am talking about the same "person").  I just wish I could feel GOOD about myself-and not allow these ancient remarks rule my thoughts sometimes and bring me down.

I grew up just not wanting to be in the way, or to be noticed.  And I still run my life that way.  I get anxious in traffic or at the grocery store because I know that I am in someones way, causing them grief just by being there.  I don't like to reach out to friends, especially if they have not reached out to me in a while-because I figure there is a reason they are not emailing, texting or calling and I don't want to bother them and make them feel like they need to respond.  I think that makes people think I don't give a rats ass about them or that I have "moved on" but trust me-that's not the case.  I don't feel equip sometimes to have friends or strong relationships with woman, due to this.  But it is something I long for, to have a real friendship-someone I can call or that can call me and meet up to shop, have dinner-or just hang out at each others house having wine.

Don't get me wrong (man I sound like a cry baby)...I do have great relationships with my mom, my step mom, my two sisters & my husbands sisters.  But it's not the same is it?

I've sort of just started settling in.....not really being very proactive in my own life in the ways of health, skin care, career, all of it really.  I've gotten "comfortable" with being "uncomfortable".  Say what?  Yeah!  I have to get off my ass, start to enjoy this life a little more and stop being so scared to be in the damn way, or what people may think of me if they see me out there living my best life!

Anyway, here is a recent "selfie" taken just this morning-because I put on make up and thought it looked good-until I took this selfie lol!  Yay me!  But whatever-I am trying to be better at documenting-so.....consider this done :)

2 comments

  1. Hi, I was bullied all through grade school and high school. It sticks with you and the voices never really seem to go away. I will pray that you find some peace today as you progress through your morning.

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    1. hey.....thank you for reading that ramble. And thank you for the kind words. I am sorry you were bullied, it does change the way you view yourself and how you view others!

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