Live & Learn

My relationship with my father has always been a bit hot and cold.  I didn't grow up thinking my father loved me, and I do not have fond memories of time spent together.  I grew up knowing everything that my father thought was wrong with me.  I grew up knowing he thought I was ugly, not smart, and as I had children-knowing he thought I was fat and that made me ugly and basically useless.  And for this reason, our relationship has always been a bit disconnected.  As a child he would blame me for not being "loving" towards him and now as an adult, he still blames me for our relationship being cold.

As time goes on, the colder and colder our relationship gets.  Months will go by without us speaking to each other, and then guilt will set in that I've allowed so much time to pass and I will make the mistake of going for a visit or answering his call.

It's hard to get close to him, always has been.  He will be cruel, and then want you to love him.  I cannot even tell you how many horrible things he has said to me over the years, as a child and as an adult.  I suck it up most of the time, sometimes I argue back with him or tell him to just shut up.  But how much do you actually have to take before you say "enough".  How much hate do you have to sit and listen to before you decide, "you know what, I don't have to listen to this anymore" and then move on with your life-without them, for real!?

People tell me that I will regret not seeing him, when he is gone-but frankly, maybe he'll regret the way he spoke to me, or spoke to me about my children.

This past weekend was just another prime example of how mean and hateful he can be.  And not only that, he did it in a way that involved my oldest son Gavin.  Saying snide remarks and then looking at Gavin for his approval, laughing-both of them.  I asked Gavin about it a little later, and he saw nothing wrong with it-and I find it hard to believe he doesn't see the greater meaning of what he says-the innuendos.  And frankly it pisses me off that Gavin took his side.  If he only knew the shitty things he used to say about him, behind his back-to me, that my dad and I would fight about as I tried to defend him.  Things I sheltered him from.  And why?  Because I wanted him to have a relationship with my dad?  And now I paid the price for that, by watching my son and my father laugh about me.

How much pain, humiliation and hurt do you allow people to put on you?  Do you just allow it for the rest of their lives-your life-because they are related to you?  Isn't allowing it to happen over and over again start to be my problem and not theirs?

I have talked to my sisters about this in the past and my fathers sister.  They all say the same thing "oh you know he loves you Lela", "oh that is just how he is"....but is that a good enough excuse to be around him and take his shit?  I am starting to think it's not honestly.  I am starting to think I should just be around people who actually act like they love and like me, not just people that "I think I know they love/like me".....



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