Sunday, May 06, 2018


So today, I saw a text message that my son X sent to his girlfriend.  The conversation went like this:

him: my step mom said you're really pretty and she wanted me to tell you she said that.
her: aww that is so sweet, she seems really sweet, I love your family
him: I love my family to and I don't know why she was being sweet because my step mom is a bitch tbh
her: she seems sweet to me, why are you so judgemental

It goes on a bit from there but nothing said again about me being a bitch, just him talking about himself and how he loves being judgmental.

This child was brought into my life when he was just three years old, almost four.  His dad and I dated for a year and then he moved into a home with me when his father and I decided to live together.  So from the time he was almost five years old I've been his care giver.  His father, worked nights and his mom traveled with her husband at the time.  I didn't mind it, except it was hard work because he was brought up differently then my boys were being brought up.  I was left alone at night, every night with a child that wasn't mine from a man I wasn't married to knowing little about him or his personality.  Over the year I learned more about him, learned what things he did that irritated me and tried to train him and guild him more towards my own morals and my own personal thoughts on how children should act.

I am not saying that Billy or Shelly didn't believe these things, or think I was wrong in my way of raising at all - but it was evident to me that X lacked a lot of social skills and emotional skills I thought he should have that would help him be a kinder more thoughtful human being.

We had our issues, and I punished him along the way for them.  He would do selfish things, and lie about pointless things.  I was a constant in his ear.  If he was doing something wrong, I was catching him, talking to him about it or punishing him for it.  Even when his dad eventually was home with us in the evening after years of working nights - it was still left to me to be the discipline person and the hard ass.  Not to mention he didn't really pay attention to the things he'd do wrong and it was always sort of left to me to keep him in line until I was at my breaking point and then he'd step in and punish him.

When we first got together, one of the complains he had about X's mom was that she always left the discipline up to him and how he'd come home from a hard days work to the drama of the kids needing to be put back into their place.  I never wanted him to feel that way and I am a controlling person by nature so I would have just handled it anyway.  But this also really did become an issue between X and I obviously.

I didn't give birth to this child, so when he was born I didn't even know him.  I didn't love him when I first met him, I didn't even know if I would like him because of how spoiled and entitled he acted.  I had thought about asking Billy and X to move out several times during that first year because of how hard it was on me and honestly, how hard it was on G & W.  They had to suffer through a lot of things as well - but they are troopers.

I did make a choice to love him however and made a choice to stick it out with his father.  We have been together for about 11 years now living in the same home.  So that is a long time to love and care for a child that isn't even yours, to spend your time on him, your money and often doing these things is taking away from time and money I could have used on my own biological children.  But I did it.  I am still the main person in our house that has to get onto him, and so I do see why he'd think I am a bitch from time to time and I don't honestly totally blame him for thinking that or saying that.  His dad needs to step up to the plate and start taking control of his behavior and giving me a break.  Now having said that, I sure hope I can let go of that control lol!

All of this stems from something else, the message about him calling me a bitch wasn't really what prompted him even getting in trouble...and I didn't find it his mom did and she told me before she sent it to me, that she was afraid it would hurt my feelings.  When I read it, at first I laughed because I can be a bitch and for him, he's been getting bitched at a lot lately and to be honest I expected him to have said something more hateful then that - so I was pleasantly surprised it was only "bitch".  Shelly was not amused and neither was his dad and I stepped back and allowed them to dole out the punishment for the stuff I am not mentioning and for that.

While they were talking to him about it, he told them that he feels that I get onto him in a harsher manner then I do W when W does the same thing (talking back, or doing a bad job on the dishes).  And to him, that probably does appear that way.  He and I have not had a conversation about how he feels about me getting onto him, he's never brought it up to me and I have never brought it up to him.  If he did I would explain to him why it seems that way and maybe he'd understand a little better.  Maybe he wouldn't because of his selfish nature and how he just doesn't think he really ever does anything wrong - we are just all assholes for catching him - not him being an asshole for doing the things wrong in the first place.  I rarely do things impulsive.  I normally think things through in advance.  I get onto him as hard as I can until I see some remorse.  The thing he doesn't understand is that W breaks easier than he does.  W will feel remorse or see the error of his ways pretty quickly.  X doesn't and probably never sees it-so I keep going until he does to some extent which is probably just out of defeat not so much actually feeling bad or having some sort of understanding of why he was in trouble in the first place.  And I may be harsher with him because Billy is harsher to W and I do it to even out the odds-IDK.  I will evaluate what he said and really think about it so when and if he does talk to me I can give him some positive feed back and not just blow him off like his feelings do not matter - because they do to me.

But how do you have the hard conversation with Billy about it if that is the case?  He isn't always open to criticism about his step parenting.  I guess none of us are, but I do try to be a little more open minded because I realize that we have a big impact on these kids that are not biologically linked to us.

Anyway, I just wanted to get these words down-my thoughts and feelings before another stressful situation!

Post a Comment