On my way home from work on Friday, I finally started to grieve for my grandma Martin.  When it started to flow over me like a warm blanket I instinctual pushed back a bit to keep the tears from flowing to much, as I had a cold & didn't want to get even more stuffed up.  But I promised myself, the last time I pushed it back, that if it came over me again I would let it flow - so I opened myself up for the pain and the tears and the sadness.

It caught me off guard, well I say that-but I have been hoping it would happen sooner rather then later.  And it was finally heard.  I could see the light at the end of my emotional tunnel.  Why do we hold back, why don't we just let go of our feelings as they are happening?   I can only express my own feelings and my own way of thinking and at the time she passed, I was at work, so I had to keep it together.  On the long drive home, I was talking to family & so I had to keep it together as we were making plans for our journey to IL.  Then we were traveling, then we were at the funeral-then we were visiting family!  Keep it together, be strong....then we drove home & were home.  How can you cry now, everyone missed you and everyone needs you.  So you continue to hold back, then you feel silly that it's been so adds up though, the sadness.  It doesn't go away, it festers and builds until you're sick.  Sick in your mind and your body.

My immune system has been so low that I've gotten everything under the sun.  It's time to start taking care of myself, in all ways.  Physically and emotionally!  I mean, why not.  I am the only me I am every going to be....I need to be the best version of that.

I love my family & I love my life, I want to enjoy it more..and find more happiness!  I am so happy that I finally got to say goodbye to my sweet and loving Grandma Martin!  She was a wonderful wonderful woman who I will miss dearly!  Thank you Grandma for being there for me and showing me what it's like to be a good paved the way for your Great Great Grandchild who will be born September 2018.




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