Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Life is Flying

At my age, should I be sitting around (figuratively speaking) thinking about all the things I've missed out on and maybe how I didn't live up to my potential?  Isn't this something you start to think of in the Winter of your life, not the Fall?  I have been feeling rather depressed lately about so many things.......like
  • should I have gone to college
  • should I apply for another job, so I move up the chain
  • why didn't I go to the elementary school to have lunch with Weston when he asked me so many times, for the sake of not waiting to ask for the time off work
  • why did I yell at my kids and make them feel like shit for bringing home a bad grade or a report card that wasn't great
  • Did I ever have a flat stomach
  • Should I have closed my photography business down..
the list goes on and on.....

I miss so much about my kids, I miss them so much (Teresa & Gavin).  I wish they lived closer, so I could visit with them & get to know them as adults.  Talk to them more, why don't I call them more-why don't I like talking on the phone!?  Can't I just do it for them?

I look at pictures of them, and I just want to go back in time.  Be a softer mother, and maybe not so strict.  Maybe have not been so selfish for my quiet time, and let there be more ciaos (I have still not learned to live without my quiet time).

I want to be a better version of myself.  Am I already that, does that change every day regardless.  I just don't know.

I want to buy a house, get a new car...enjoy finer things in life.  I feel like I am on a wheel, like a hamster in a cage getting absolutely no place.  There is never enough money, never enough time - but then I don't change that either.

I get to retire in five years.  Is that when my life really starts?  Or have I already missed it.  I don't understand why I am so sad and creeped out lately about death.  Why am I even thinking about it?  Is that normal?

I just don't know the answer to these questions, and everything seem so random and hard to grasp for me these days.  I cannot even go grocery shopping without loosing my train of thought if I am with the other kids.  I snap at them, they get offended.  Is it me, is it them?  What can I do?

Maybe I need a vacation.  Maybe I need to meditate.  Maybe I just need a knock in the head.  

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