Waiting for Lela

One of the hardest things I've had to do in my life, aside from forgiving B - was waiting for myself to return.  The loss, anger, disappointment and well trauma (yes trauma) you feel from such a betrayal leaves you much changed.  It leaves you alone.  It leaves you very very much alone, and before you know it you do not even know yourself anymore - you've turned into this bitter hateful person, who can do nothing but lash out at the one(s) that brought you the pain.  Often these lashes are subtle and no one would really ever notice (or blame you).  In fact, B had taken on the role of being my emotional punching bag for the better part of three years while I wanted for Lela to return to my heart, my soul and my mind.

She didn't come back all at once, it took years for her to slowly make her way back to me.  I missed her very much & when I realized that she was back-fully back with me, I knew that I had finally moved on and moved past the trauma that I suffered way back then.

I can't even tell you how I did it, people tell me all the time they don't know how I do it - and hell, I just shrug my shoulders as I don't know either.  I honestly think it takes you really wanting to make something work, and him really wanting it to.  There is no way a man would go through what we did together as a couple, as a family, if B didn't want it to work too.  Sure, he created the storm - but he rode it out with me, through it all with little complaints.  He honestly felt like he deserved it, and maybe he did.  He didn't get off easy - the only one that did was the other person that was involved in the affair.  I've never spoken a harsh word to her. I've never told her how I felt about her or what she's done to me and my children.  I've just continued searching for myself.

Now, in saying what I am saying - I am not professing myself to be a perfect person.  I had my issues prior to this situation.  I don't throw away the version of the story in where I am not coupable for any of the reasons that lead to the affair.  I suffered my sins for my part in it for sure as well, I didn't get off easy either, and why should I?  Sure I didn't do the deed, but I certainly wasn't making him feel like the good man he is either.  And yes, the deed makes his "good man" status debatable.  Trust me, I've had plenty of time to think about this & trust me, I've had plenty of debates about this as well - but what it all boils down to is what kind of person he is, what kind of person I am & what kind of person we've both realized (I knew all along lol) the other person is too.

We came to know each other more, we came to know other family members more as they showed us where they stood in our lives & how they would continue to stand in our lives.  Friends dropped off the face of the earth & friends showed up with pitch forks ready to fight.  Others rallied around me and helped me get ready for my next great adventure, getting ready for O.

Once I found myself, I realized quickly that O wasn't the "only good thing to come out of it"...I am the other good thing that came out of it, B's a good thing that came out of it too & watching my children love unconditionally as well.  We got a lot for our troubles, and I found myself again, I found Lela!



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