Thursday, April 13, 2017

Forgiveness & Love

I have a lot of shit to say, and some of it isn't friendly - so I am glad that no one really reads my blog.  But I've had a lot of my mind lately.

This particular blog was set up as a way to post/host photos of the kids growing up, and just our active life.  At first it was just me and the boys and so I had it named something appropriate to that - and then it was me and the two Johnson's and I changed the name to incorporate my new life with B&X, and my boys.  Honestly, I loved that name & blog.  It was called "More than Johnson's" and that is what it was, what we were - and that is still the case - but after O was introduced into our lives, and when that entire situation was happening - I needed to disassociate myself from the "Johnson" name - as I honestly didn't think my marriage with my husband was going to survive such a betrayal and such heartbreak.  I didn't think I had it in me.

Hate, disgust, disappointment, rage, sadness, depression all turned to love, kindness, mending, blending and merged its way back into a happy family (and we are a happy family).

It's true what they say, time does heal all wounds.  I have been wounded in the worst way possible, though-I have not lost a child, or a beloved family member or husband.  I do not compare my grief and sadness to anyone else's, trust me I know mine is unique and special to our situation and circumstances.  I literally have never met anyone else that has gone through what I have.

I've been told that I'll never forget this, I may forgive but never forget.  I find this to be untrue, I have forgotten.  Maybe that is when you actually forgive someone, I am not sure.  But I have forgotten the details of the situation in large part.  I remember being miserable sure, but I've forgotten so much as well.

I know that I am judged by others regarding my decision.  I know that some people think I am weak, stupid, gullible or whatever other term you can associate to a wife that stayed with a husband that was unfaithful & is now helping to raise the child conceived during that affair.  It's not like I don't know that people feel this way, I've watched them slowly exit my life - like my grief or struggle was to much for them to witness.  It also seemed to invoke rage in people, I've blogged about this situation in the past but I literally had someone tell me, no joke, that he did what he did because I was to fat.  Can you imagine, being in the worst place in your entire life-having your world fall apart & to have someone say that to you?

When it all went down, I had dozens of people who said they cared.  People that said they'd be there for me.  And they even listened to me rant, rave, bitch, moan - over and over again - until the day they didn't.  I was left with a handful of people, who stood beside me and cared for me and respected my decision.  Sure they didn't agree, and sure they thought B was a shit....but they loved me enough to stay through the storm that was my life so many years ago.  And now, they are here to witness the amazing mom that I have become - and the amazing children that are blooming from this experience.

I've not said this before, but think about it all the natural born children are so full of beautiful wonderful love it is unreal. They, like their mother have opened their lives and their home to new children with gracious hearts. I sure am a lucky mother to have been witness to their kindness, their warmth, their generosity.  They lost me for a while, when I struggled to find my place in all this madness - and so they have missed out on things but they have also gained so much.  Making them even more special in my eyes.

When I told the boys about Miss O, my two natural born children were excited, anxious to meet their new "sister" and worried about me.  X was mad at his father & worried about me - not excited at all.  He loves his sister, I am not saying that - but the way the older boys handed the situation was astonishing to me.  None of these children got the credit they deserved for being so open minded and open hearted.  They didn't have to like it, they didn't have to do anything.  Things could have been so different.  Things could have been so much harder.  In some small way they made it easier for me, showing me how innocent love can really be.  Especially when we had a front row seat to how hurtful and horrible love can be.

My final thoughts are, if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it.  I gained more then I lost.  I am a mother of five.


  1. You're so beautiful, and such a blessing to everyone! Forgiveness is the hardest part of being an adult I think. You're the strongest woman I know. I'm so thankful that God chose me to be your little sister. I can't think of a better role model for me. You set such a great example for how to love the unlovable!

    1. Aww-thank you Jess - that is really the sweetest comment ever. <3 I love you, keep your head up!!!