Thursday, August 20, 2015

Gossip & Me

Have you ever indulged in gossip?  I guess the answer will come back the same to every single person it's asked to, and that answer would be yes?  Do you feel better after involving yourself in gossip?  That answer may not come back the same when asked to different people.

If you were to ask me if it makes me feel better, the answer would be no.  And I know this about myself, yet I allow myself to slip into that dark little world of shit talking about someone I do not like (maybe even hate-dare I say).  I've never really hated anyone before-nor have I ever had these feelings towards another human being before-so I can only assume it's hate.  I don't wish them sickness, death or non-self induced suffering-so maybe hate isn't what I am feeling.

Before I go on, I want to put out into the universe how sorry I am for allowing myself to gossip the past couple of weeks.  I feel badly about the joy that knowing things are not going great for someone that I "strongly dislike & possibly hate".

I realize that Miss Karma doesn't need my help.  And I also realize that I probably am not creating the best karma for myself being a "gossiping hen", but I don't know how to stop myself.  It's almost like I am obsessed with knowing things-and I use the excuse that I want to be informed, but it is something deeper-I know.  The people closest to me, I know-are sick of me giving them updates & just talking to them about it in general.  I can sense it over the phone & in person-but that doesn't stop me all the time.  I spew it out like word vomit; not caring if they get it all over them or not (at first).

I pride myself on always taking the high road, as I am not someone that needs to show off my muscles or my skills to "win" a fight-I just be a good person and that to me is winning.  In my life, I know there have been people who have judged me as being weak because I didn't lash out or bitch slap someone, but it isn't like I didn't want to or even could have beaten someone down for insulting me, or hurting's just not the type of person I am.   I always see those type of people as trashy & not capably of intelligent thought.

But, then I gossip.  It's my dark side, I guess-the thing about myself I am the least proud of.

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